2004-09-12 - 4:55 a.m.
now i'm falling for someone new
i used to love you so much, and now when i look at you, it's like nothing ever existed...
stomach pains awoke me around 3 this morning. my body tried to fight them as i wouldn't let go my dreams of troy.
i don't remember what they were about anymore, but i do know they had something to do with closure. they always do.
they always have an element to them that temporarily pauses the, "what did i do wrong?" questions. they allow me to live normally like we had never met each other for a short period of time.
mmrrrhn.
while i was in in portland last week, i forgot about every aspect of my life. i didn't even remember i had my own until the half an hour drive into boise. that's what he does to my mind, that's what he does.
after i woke up from the discomfort of my stomach, i roamed around the house as an attempt to suspend the pain. i ended up sitting down to watch 50 first dates for my second time. the first time i watched it with cl it was really sentimental for me. a few years ago i forgot both my short-term and long-term memory temporarily. i told cl the thought of ever losing my memory again scared me because i couldn't bare the concept of forgetting him.
now it seems like the only thing i want to do is erase him from my memory. however, during the discourse of the movie, i cried. it was the first time in months i even felt like i had emotions. maybe part of me still wants to love you...
update:
since last night, i've realized there is defineatly a part of me that sincerely loves and cares about cl. and i guess there is nothing really wrong with that. it's just that i don't want to feel attached to him anymore. the result is always heartbreak. i want to move on and live my life.