2004-11-06 - 5:30 p.m.
fog in the city of trees during the loniest saturday night.
this time of the year always reminds me of many nights, tears, and muscle relaxers ago.
there is always some kind of remnant from the past that won't let you let go of it.
for me, it's every light-skinned, dark-haired boy that is looking down while mowing the grass, washing a window, or waiting for customers at a cash register. it's everytime i see one of those boys that i hope it's jasper when he looks up.
it once was.
we shared dreams of a life together, a future. he was 18, and i was only 13, but he could see the amazement in my eyes when he told me, "i've never met a girl like you before." and he let me fall in love with him when i was too young and he was too old, and he left me to go into the airforce in hopes that we would return with a better future for the both of us. i would be old enough, he would have money and we could begin to build a life together.
but that's only a memory of the past.
sometimes i wonder what i would say if i every saw him again.
i decided not to go to medical school, my brother is an expectant father, i've fallen in love, i almost had a baby.
i've missed you.
this is my life now. everything jasper and i had together seems so silly. but i still can't let go of the past.
i guess we all have ghosts that always linger around reminding us what could have been.
