2004-11-05 - 9:24 a.m.
my friday
i watched my seven-year-old niece today. this is what we did:
i like this picture i took of myself for some reason.
oh, and by the way, here is the most recent picture of my expandable fish:
(it expands! please click on it!)
why hasn't the purple one grown as much as the others?
you may think i'm crazy, but i'm actually keeping myself from going insane. i haven't been doing anything but cry since yesterday. i've been very confused, lonely, upset, hurt and empty. and very dead inside.
i never wanted to have sex.
i never wanted to feel this hurt.
i just wanted to have troy, to spend forever under the oregon sunset with him but it just seems impossible now.
this feels like death. physically and mentally. and i feel like i've caused it. i feel like a killer.
a mass murderer for someone else's desires.
i've thought about it. i've thought about it like a hundred billion times.
maybe troy would understand of an unwanted birth, unwanted sex from an unwanted man. maybe he would still accept me.
but i had life, and i let it die. i had it...i'm so...i don't even know...hurt? violated? angry?
i feel wrong, like i could have prevented so much.
i had life. it's gone now. i can't stop thinking about images of tiny embryos and little fetuses flashing in my mind.
God lets things happen.
i was going to write about the physical and psychological effects of traumatic situtions, but i don't really think there is a need to.
things just happen and people react to them at certain time intervals. that's all.
but it's not the time that really matters.
i'm sorry this is so sloppily written.