Aug. 12, 2005 - 06:21
my eyes are so heavy, but i can't forget
i woke up about an hour ago. he had just turned the light on in his room.
i remember him softly saying, "sorry babe."
i thought to myself, "you don't need to be sorry. you have to get ready for work."
i sat wrapped in his blanket watching him get ready, resting my head on my hello kitty plushie.
i had his necklace around my neck. he made it nearly ten years ago. he wanted me to have it.
i was still wearing my shirt, er, i should say his shirt :)
i left a shirt once which he kept and sleeps with on nights when i'm not there.
i wore it to bed last night. it didn't smell like me anymore. what was it good for if it smelt like boy ;)
i had the most perfect nights sleep with the exception of having a dream that a bee was stinging me. i'm allergic to bees. he was holding me in his arms at that time though, so it was okay. he held me tighter and asked if i was alright. i guess i was trembling in my sleep.
in a hazelike trance, i nodded my head.
the night before we were looking at our reflections back from the bathroom mirror, he holding me. he said we look too good together. i agreed.
when i think about him, when i think about us, i can't help but believe i'm reading this out of a book, or i'm watching these slides on a screen.
and it's too good to not last.
i've found someone who rights all of my wrongs. i've found the boy that hung the moon in my sky.
last night he kept saying all this crazy boy talk about starting college soon and all these boys around me, and someone better, blah blah.
i told him to stop, until i realized how sternly my commands were. the room fell into a dreary silence,
he asked, "why do you get so mad at me when i say that?"
i told him it was because i love him so much i'm not going to let anything happen, and i just wished he saw that,
and i apologized for practically yelling at him.
as odd as it sounds, it was a really beautiful moment. i felt like that one oddball of a man screaming out to stella in a streetcar named desire. he was exclaiming out to her, and that's how i felt, "this is my heart, take it now, it's all yours and forever."
i guess you can say that was our only dispute in three months. he said relationships always have atleast one argument. that's what ours was :) and since my voice is so soft, the loudest i got was pretty much as loud as any one else's normal speaking tone.
"stop, stop" :) it still makes me smile
he'll never have to worry about any of that happening. he's the only one i'll ever care for, until the day that i die, as long as he'll have me, i'll be there.
he's worried that if i meet someone else i'll just stay with him out of well, commiseration.
there will never be any one else, until the day i die.
i love this boy.
as i sat up in his room, i looked around in the soft glow of the lamp. he has an amazing book collection. i spotted his dirtbiking helmet on the floor, skies to the lateral. two snowboards and a wakeboard near the bed. posters, my paintings. i love this boy. this is the boy for me.
i felt so comforted, wrapped up in his blanket. it was so hard when we had to say good bye. it was even worse when i stood to watch him depart and i saw his truck drive off in the distance.
i felt so deserted and empty standing out on the street alone.
i miss him so much. i can't believe he doesn't get off work for another billion hours.
i miss him.