Aug. 04, 2005 - 00:54
i'm sorry you have to listen to my es aech itty music, ben
it's one in the morning. i'm home amazingly early. "vindicated" by dashboard confessionals (right?) is playing off of a myspace profile right now.
i swear, i'll never have to download music again. i'll just whore it off of different people's myspace profiles.
i have the best song in the world on mine, fall out boy's "sugar we're going down".
i love that song. i just can't believe i like this kind of music.
my three-year-old niece almost has the chorus memorized. it's so cute. she likes the song.
"we're going down down in an earlier round,
sugar we're going down swinging,
i'll be your number one with a bullet,
a loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it."
as soon as the children's mother came home from work today, i rushed off to see my boyfriend in my brand new pointed stilettos.
he hates it when i wear heels. i'm almost his height in them (which isn't a bad thing, i can look at him perfectly in his gorgeous green eyes.)
i couldn't stay long though. i had Bible studies afterwards. then i drove my brother to kuna to get his car, which was being worked on.
then i met my brother up at the gym. i can easily do a vertical leg press of 160. (the average for males 18-24 is 180 lbs. i'm almost there) my goal is 210 by the end of the summer.
my brother was surprised by how much i could press...and so was anyone else that came into the dead weight room.
my boyfriend found himself impressed as i toted him around in meandering circles. "my legs are pretty strong, babe." :)
today i found myself in tears in his room as he was holding me,
he hadn't known i was crying until i refrained to look at him.
"babe, look at me, i want to see your face."
"not right now babe."
"i want to see you."
"why"
"because you are beautiful."
i looked up at him.
"what's wrong?"
i expressed to him i love him so much i am afraid to lose him.
i.love.you
those three words have been so difficult to make it out of my mouth lately. he's been the one telling me, and i've been the one gazing back at him silent, resigned, dying to tell him.
he held me, comforted me, we talked it through. i'm not scared any more. it helped a lot.
my doctor says i hold too much in.
i have no reason to be afraid.
he told me, "maybe we'll be together forever. maybe we'll get married...wait you don't marry anyone outside of your religion..."
i don't marry anyone out of my religion because of a fear of clash of values.
he doesn't know this. maybe he will :)
we're riding the same wave.
i'm so happy. i'm not scared of losing him.
i must go to bed now. he wakes up in four hours. i wake up in four hours.
i'll be there.
close my eyes.
see his smile, his bright eyes smiling back at me, "i love you ____ _______."