2004-10-21 - 12:06 a.m.
crazy
i went out with the strawberry blonde boy with the transformers tattoo on his wrist tonight. (i'll create a hovering link to this to explain who he is in detail later.)
we played pool and went to barnes and noble to talk.
he's 24 (omigosh) but he's still interested in me for some reason.
he's very sweet and he says i put myself down too much, but really, he just isn't willing to believe how much of a loser i really am.
i accidently held his hand while discussing heroin, nursing homes, and buffalo new york, where he resided throughout college.
i'll come up with some phony excuse to it and casually bring it up someday..."er, uh, at the clinic, we get very touchy-feely. we are always touching, holding, comforting the patients somehow. it's just habit to reach out and hold someone. (insert fake example here.)"
i don't know if he held back or not. i was so surprised at my own actions, i didn't know what to do...but i loved it, i know that for sure. i wanted to hold him, put my head on his shoulder, drive away into the night, never think of...well, and then i woke up. my head was on his shoulder on the ride home. actually, my stuffed lamb (don't ask me why i keep a stuffed lamb in my car) was resting on his shoulder as he drove my car home as i was too tired to do so myself.
it was so lame how it happened though. i cuddled up with my stuffed lamb and comforter (again, don't ask) in the passenger seat and uh, nonchalantly placed the lamb on his arm and placed my head on top of it.
then, pretending i hadn't realized my actions, i exclaimed, "oh, i'm sorry i put my lamb on you."
he replied by saying, "you can put your lamb on me."
and so, i put my lamb on him. i slept the whole way home only to mutter out calm conversation when he occasionally asked questions about myself.
he asked me when we could hang out next and i told him it was up to him. (i don't know why he even wants to) he asked me to think of things we could do.
i told him i had several ideas but he would think that they were stupid.
some of the ones i told him included hiking to the top of camels back park and tumbling down...and uh, that's all. i can't tell him the rest. i know he'll do them with me, but they are, they are just too wierd...
like having a picnic/teaparty on my kitchen floor, water painting the tower of versaille, (i know i had to have spelt that wrong...and i don't even think spelt is a word...is spelt a word?) running through the botanical gardens throwing flowers at each other, visiting the old penetentiary, and flying a kite.
i can't believe he likes me, he's 24. and, from all the women staring at him at the poolhouse and barnes and noble tonight, he's pretty attractive too.
oh, boy, i still just feel a little odd though. i received an email from troy last night. yes, we are emailing each other now, and he did not get the one where i bleed my heart through pixels, just casual blah blah blah's. how's school? how's life? how's the family? he asked for a video (just of my friends and i masquerading as fraternity idiots sophomore year doing insipid, stupid, immature things) and i told him i would send him one as long as he would send one in return. gawd, i would have him on tape. he's the one i want to have teaparty's with on my diningroom/kitchen floor. he's the one who would get a blast out of it too.
he's the one i don't want to touch, hold, i just want to keep beautiful, the way he is. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. if he asked me to marry him now i would. we haven't even spent time with each other for more than thirty minutes collectively. i hold him in my heart, it does not beat still. i'm spinning around in circles, perpetually falling in love with him more and more each day.
i want to be the one he holds in his arms and cradles. i want to wake up by his side and say good night when the sky is black. i want to make up stories and tell them to him. i want to run through a flower garden screaming at the top of my lungs throwing petals of flowers at him.
i want to be his model, his muse.
and if we ever did have sex, i would close my eyes and ask him if he was done after i counted to 35.
there's a young man, a gentleman, resides in portland, oregon. i love him with all of my heart. they call him troy and i want to die at his side.