2004-10-18 - 9:20 p.m.
it's going to be the stupidest thing you've ever seen
sitting in the library today, next to toni, the girl i repect like no one else, i had just about a billion and two questions running through my mind.
we were supposed to be doing research for our literary critiques. mine on j.d. salinger's the catcher in the rye. her's on the heart of darkness. i forget the author.
i couldn't sit still though. i wanted to ask her everything that ran through my mind. every single second it seemed like something new popped into my head. i wanted to know
why she was so nice to me in middle school and still is now.
how she doesn't care about popularity.
how she's always kept the same cool.
how she sees life
how she sees other people
how she went from head cheerleader, goddess of the whole school to girl that wears the same sweatshirt every day i see her.
toni amazes me. i want to know everything that goes through her mind.
such as what she thinks about when she does her artistry.
what she thinks about the girls she used to be best friends with.
every now and then i would frantically look over at her and stagger. look at her again. study her and then look away. there was a point when i wanted to scream out,
"why are you so goddamed diffident?"
but i retraced my words and discovered what i really wanted to ask was how i could gain her sereneness. how i could be more like her.
when it was time to leave, i waited for her without she even realizing it. i quietly waited while she gathered her stuff and pushed in her chair. i followed her. feeling safety in her presence. being a whole foot taller than her, it seemed odd, but still was justified as right in my mind.
even in the halls when i heard ascuena's strident stomps of death from her black pump heels i found myself in toni's shadow. feeling reassurance and safety, similar to how holden feels at phoebe's bedside.
back in the classroom, where "the cool kids sit" i couldn't feel as awkward as i did then occasionally looking over at the silent girl across the room as she sat with her head down on her desk.
the day was over. as i walked out to my car (ashamedly) but proudly with my nursing smocks in my by bag, i hoped to run into ben, since my car was parked near his truck and we had so often played stoplight tag before. i had missed him but found him walking out to his truck as i drove away. as awkward as i am, i tried to be impressive and zip as fast as i could around him.
see, ben is of a different kind.
he does not upturn his collar as the other boys do. he keeps his shoes clean and white. i have not yet witnessed him speaking up against another. and he does not jostle around like jeff nor does he give out obscenities like will. he has very well kept my interests since the beginning of the year.
and he speaks so meekly to me, and i haven't seen him do so to any other girl. for example, last friday he had to walk past me. i was in no way obstucting his, (but was for the girl in front of him that advertantly dodged away long before they even came close), but he bowed his head down to his feet and said, "excuse me" in the calmest, cutest little voice before he even came close. he is really something.
i don't know though. sometimes he seems jock but faults are forgivable as i am drowning in my own.
i drove to bernice's assisted living center where we shared stories about her painting a jack-o-lantern, although she is blind, and how i'm still going trick-or-treating this year and attempting to make myself sick from eating all of my candy in the first night, third grade style.
she said she worries about me sometimes.
i helped her sort through her old testament records, she told me i meant a billion to her, and begged me to take a dollar for helping. she said, "to pick up a treat or a little cup of soft serve on your way home."
i told her icecream didn't fit me well and she said, "you get diarreah from eating icecream?"
i had to laugh at that in my mind. she's a best friend.
i walked out to my car and cast away all of my visions from my day-of-work-from-hell and had to remind myself about how part of life is making things better for other people, which is sometimes done by simply keeping a good attitude.
also. becoming an escort sounds appetizing. did you know they can make up to $150 dollars an hour? it's only three months until i turn 18. i know, i'm gawd-awful. i wouldn't do it anyway.
morals. blah blah blah. well, i won't be able to see brock tomorrow. so i don't know what i'm going to do. like trinity63's banner, fukidol.
oh, and my older entries. i have a problem getting my archives from september to show up. please help me if you know how to fix this.