2004-12-26 - 1:45 a.m.
this mess of a kid
cl gave me the choice between himself and troy
and i chose him of course.
i want so badly to make things work, like they were months, no, that would be an understatement, nearly two years ago.
but i can't work it in myself.
i think it's me, i think i need medication. to calm my nerves, to help me sleep, to help me think right.
and a sherry and cognac. i don't usually drink. i actually haven't had any alcohol for a year and a half.
i need something to turn me into a stepford wife because right now, just who i am isn't cutting it.
i have all these images in my mind of who i should be, how i can make him happy, how i just have to convince myself
and i'll be that person.
how i'll wake up and be that person.
i thought christmas was okay. both of my parents bought him presents and then my mom took us to see a movie, which is very unique for them,
and my dad convinced my sister's husband to cook a dinner so he could feel apart of the family,
as if we had traditions, because traditions=family, don't they?
i mean, last year i was fine in my room in my bed with my nyquil.
we didn't do anything.
i thought things were okay today.
but he isn't happy, and i can't be happy because of it.
christmas was just "alright"
we all worked so hard, my whole entire family, just to try to make things work.
i'm trying
but i don't know how.
i've been sucking on my lower lip. it's been bleeding for the past two days.
i used to be this person who would simply get on my knees and meditate. i used to count atleast five blessings every night, even if i had to make myself think,
i would run and lift weights, and i was fine then.
now im in shambles, and i don't even know where to start,
where to begin to make things right.
i can only think of vodka and merlot.
i've talked to my friends about it half a million times before,
they tell me it's obvious that i don't love him and things just won't work out,
but if i didn't love him, why would i be crying right now?
and then there were people, some i didn't even know so well that would comment on how adorable troy and i would be together.
perfect puzzle matches they would say.
but i don't want him. if i had the choice, a free card right now to be with him
i wouldn't want it.
i would turn it down. nod my head and just tell him i am sorry.
and cl and i, we always argue, we have totally different interests,
but i still want him,
i want cl even if things aren't perfect.
i just want him and i want to make him happy,
but i just can't do it right now. i can't do it at all.
i try, but i fail.
i'm sorry.