2004-11-23 - 12:17 a.m.
why won't i let you escape my mind?
i had another date with nelson tonight. we went to a local coffee shop and spent two hours talking about the calamities of college, the girl who's gorgeous and thinks she's not, surfing in costa rica and the politics of france, and a certain cat by the name of frasier (who by the way will not move from the computer chair and is forcing me to perch ontop of him to type.)
we had a wonderful night.
however, the whole time i felt like i was doing bad. every glance into his eyes felt like i was partaking in infidelity, like i shouldn't have been there and i shouldn't have been with him. i kept thinking about the boy from portland, oregon, and how beautiful his eyes are and just how special he is.
but troy doesn't even give a damn about me but i somehow feel lack of faith in myself with anyone else.
nelson told me i was charismatic, gorgeous, and smart, and a bunch of other adjectives i'd bullshit into an english lit. paper.
so what do i do? do i smile and pretend i'm somehow moving on with my life when i'm really living one day, one moment over and over again hoping something will transpire through this? it's not june anymore and there are no more stolen glances and "few things in my life when moments mean more to me." there are no more stiffled smiles and hearts pumping a taint harder than they should. there's no hope left for me to believe in. there's no parma and there's no boring.
no, there's boise and portland and this hubris tale of crap i've brought on from being a dumbass.
four hundred miles away from here there's a boy falling asleep with school and snowboarding ahead of him,
and here, there's me not sleeping, only dreaming of him. he's an ordinary boy, one of hundreds, but he's the only one i can think of.
i need to spend some time half-way across the continent...