May. 12, 2005 - 17:02
with the drugs, you are nearly tolerable...
i've been mad sick all day and it hasn't been fun. plus, i've been taking care of the kids who are also sick, and it's been difficult. i honestly don't know how mothers can do it, the good mothers i mean.
like yesterday, i pulled up to this middled-aged mother who was smoking a cigarette, windows up, with a small child in the backseat.
"gawd, atleast you had the consideration to put it in a child seat, or maybe that's just the law," i thought to myself. it's no myth that smoking is bad for the lungs.
i mean, i don't give a fuck if she smoked, it's just that incarcerating a toddler in it--that's just not cool.
some people are idiots, but we live in a hefty nation full of them.
i haven't seen scottie doggy for a week, not after it jumped in my car when i got home from the gym. "get out, scottie doggy, the neighbors are going to think i'm trying to steal you!"
so i have a myspace profile and i was browsing through some of my buddies "friends" (people they add as contacts on their profiles).
i was amazed to see how many female models men had added as their friends. of course these guys don't actually know them and never will, but i was just amazed that these beautiful people actually exist and have lame internet profiles, something that i do.
i mean, america sees models all the time. they make us miserable nearly 24 hours a day. but to know they actually exist and are out there and live normal lives outside of paris and madrid is just disturbing.
ship them off to their own island just because i'd like to feel like a model to somebody.
if you know about the whines and groans of mbear's past relationship, you know that i just never felt good enough for cl. it always seemed like there was always someone better, especially aesthetically speaking. the issue is still a hindrance to me of why we can't be together.
i just feel like i'll never be good enough. that i'm not fucking cassie or i'm not fucking toni or i'm not fucking mysti.
i just felt like lame old megan, a simple naive 16-year-old who read allen ginsberg. too geeky, too embarrassing, too boring, too plain for him. i didn't feel pretty at all, and it wasn't his fault, i don't blame him at all.
maybe my state of thinking was why i was so eager to date when our relationship ended.
i was asked out by three different guys in the same week. i eagerly accepted because i was flabergasted that not just a male, but three of them actually found me attractive, and i know, i should have found self-satisfaction in myself, that i should love myseld the way "God made me" and all that bullcrap, but let's face it-reality just isn't that easy.
the first guy was a boy that i had wound myself up in rather fast, but long story short, our relationship ended the same night because of disgressions on my part. the second was a 22-year-old that had just gotten back from iraq. i met him at the gym, but honestly, i couldn't stand his southern accent so i made it my purpose not to see him again, afterall, i had no formal obligations to. the third was a recording artist that stood me up to dessert because he was "in studio." i didn't really care, because by the time he had called to tell me, i was sitting in the same restaurant finishing dinner with my family, and i honestly, for the life of me, didn't mind.
its pretty clear that i had no real intentions with any of these men, i just saw them because i was so desparatly seeking validation of myself. that some man could actually find me attractive after the chronicals of cl.
i haven't really made any motions to get out of the house for the past two weeks since cl and my relationship ended three weeks ago.
i only really want him, despite everything. i just don't feel worth anything while at his side.
i don't really know why i'm so bound up in this boy and why i can't forget him.
i'm trying to move on. he already made it clear he wouldn't accept me back if i was with anyone else in the meantime, which any normal person would say, and i obviously have.
maybe i'll date again after medical school. like thirteen years from now.
actually, i'll date in the mean time, mainly because my father's response to my eldest sister becoming lesbian, "that's what happens when you don't have a man for so long."
*le sigh.