2004-10-05 - 6:54 a.m.
just wondering how you are doing...
i'm going to write troy today to see how he is doing. it's driving me crazy not knowing. i swore i wouldn't do this but i'm going mad not knowing.
i'll update the rest of the previous entry by the end of the week.
update:
i spent most of the day in seclusion with cl. he has rocked me as i've been sitting here, in almost the same spot for the percentage of the evening doing absolutely nothing. i'm going absolutely out of my mind. i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know who i am anymore. i think everyone, everything is out to get me. i'm going absolutely insane. counting potatoes has soothed my mind. yes, counting potatoes. i've been sitting here, counting damn potatoes all night. i'm going nuts. however, i did listen to part of the vice-presidential debate. edwards is a very intelligent and articulate man. however, his debate has not influenced my political standpoint to change any.
i think i might go home after my clinical tomorrow. i don't feel like attending algebra and english although i probably will anyway. i always do even when i say i won't. it's just my thing. i hate school, i hate attending school, but i love the teachers, the students, the curriculum. i love just about everything except going it seems like.
dave, my photographer came over to discuss the pictures with me today. he likes some that i loathe and hates some that i love. he took two pictures to submit into his portfolio. the first one was one i hate, the one where i am standing on a bridge overlooking the scenery. i guess i look "serene" in the picture but i think i look insane. insane and lonely. the second one is my lake shot. i'm sitting on a stone penninsula surrounded by the crystalline water. the shot itself is beautiful but my position is a little premature. oh, well. he also told me about a private modelling call this weekend. he said i could probably get a job with jcpenney's. that's not a compliment. *sigh. cl said, "atleast it's paying." i'm glad he carries the positive attitude. it's not that i think i'm beautiful or anything, it's just that i don't think my look fits jcpenney. i think i would do 1,000 free shots than one paying job for them. i know i can't get cocky, but this just isn't for me.
i'm going crazy.
is it wrong to imagine another man's lips on your own without gratifying purposes? free of complete intimacy? just to find out how it feels? lately i've been wondering how it would feel if strawberry-blonde boys lips touched mine. just grace them. however, i could never think of troy's lips on mine. that's just a thought too scary. even if we were dating and we didn't live so far apart, i'm absolutely intimidated of the thought of our lips meeting. however, if i knew that just someday i could, we could, i'd be the happiest girl on earth. i don't feel so insane anymore. i'm tired, and i'm going to bed now.
there is this clinic in nampa you can find me at tomorrow if you really please to. for a split second of my every waking day i think, somewhere, somehow, you can feel me. i wish you never shook my hand that one day.
maybe i would still have my sanity.
maybe i could breathe for a while.