2004-12-12 - no clue
don't let go
everytime my head hurts just a little too much,
everytime i loose track of time,
everytime i feel confused,
i hope...
my biggest fear in life, the thing that makes me tremble to the very vein of my existance
is the fact that in just one second, in one moment,
things can turn back to how they were
that one time.
that lost calendar of my life.
the time when i knew
i wasn't alone in a dark room when i was the only one that existed,
when i could feel things when there was nothing to have been felt,
when i was controlled by a force that was created in my mind.
and i tremble
thinking of the amazement on my doctor's face when i had told him i hadn't taken my medicine in two weeks and i was fine.
after being hospitalized for the most stupid of occasions.
(this goddamned bunny was talking to me.)
and remembering how he told me it was rare to stay on remission
and not to think twice about seeing him again if i needed to.
and how i spoke to sir conroy
in search for validation
how he said chances are miniscule.
i pray nothing will bring me back to were i was
but i remember, even if it does
i'll have God with me.
yes, i am a christian.
yes, i pray to God.
yes i am the most sinful, ludacris of creatures.
a work in progress
to find myself on my knees
i never feared before, only looking back.
i never feared before because i had God with me.
i was scared more times in sanity, equality of mind.
they were times when i only did wrong in denial and self-righteousness.
my biggest fear is losing those i care and falling into my own world made up of nonsense.
losing you.
i love you, don't ever lose your grip on me even if i fall into a world where i disappear.