2004-11-10 - 10:18 p.m.
i'm too scared to say i miss you
i spent most of the day reclining in my "sick chair".
see, we have this large blue lazy-boy recliner that i claim whenever i feel ill. i lay in it all day and infest it with my sick girl germs.
it never gets "lysol-ed" so i feel kind of bad for always whoring it to myself in times of illness.
and i never lysol it myself because i'm a horrible, horrible person.
but no one else in the family has decided to have a crappy immune system (to avoid having a crappy immune system, i suggest not going through a period of drug abuse and anorexia.) so i guess it's not that bad.
and about my illness, i have strep throat and it hasn't been fun.
frasier's been around me the whole day, no matter where i'm at, on my sick chair, waiting patiently by the bathroom, or next to my computer where he's at right now, he's a good cat. other than that, i've pretty much been home by myself.
cl came over to take care of me yesterday, but he ended up getting food poisoning and i had to help him.
it's okay though.
being alone has caused me too much time to think; to much time to remember someone i've been trying so hard to forget.
and his name is troy _______ from portland, oregon. *sigh.
the more i think of troy, the more i think i dreamt him into existance, how he's just a concept of everything i wish i could have in a man.
i could have moulded him in my mind, except for the saddening fact he really does exist and he probably could care less about me and my infinitesimal nothingness life.
in every email i've sent him lately i've wanted to conclude with "i miss you" no matter what the mood or tone is. i feel like i'm bleeding tears in each insincere word i write him like, "i'm doing fine" and "life has been great". in truth, they would be if he weren't so far away. i feel i could compensate if i just worked up the courage to tell him the truth...
but i never do, i never write him those three simple little words. once i typed them only to quickly tab them out by the backspace button. my lip quivered for the words that i'll probably never say anyway. i miss him so incredibly badly.
sometimes i walk down the greeting card isle when i have extra time in grocery stores. i purchase romantic cards with cute saying and keep them in a collection, hoping one day i can give them to him. give them all to him at the same time and have him laugh at how silly i am, but have him cherish me for my devotion and continuous adoration.
i've started a collection of oil painting of him. each is only 1/4th the way finished, but that's only because i don't want to finish them until i'm positive i can work them to perfection.
and i have about a billion and two songs lined up to be burned on cd's devoted to him. mostly indie rock and the music that would be in those damn ralph lauren commercials.
i'm so mesmerized, captivated by him. i swirl around continuously, perpetually deeper and deeper in my thoughts of desperation just because i know, subconciously, truthfully, i'll never have this dream of a boy come true in my life.
and it's not like i do not have my own life to live or my own thoughts to contribute to.
i have a job where i'm assisting others th whole time, i'm a full-time student with high marks and ap classes, i volunteer atleast twice a week, i just started modelling with my own personal photographer who i've barely had time for recently, and i always try to fit in my family and friends in between.
and i can't forget the 24-year-old graphic designer i've dated a couple times.
he always text messages me and leaves sweet little notes to grant me a good day, to ask how i've been, or to compliment me on an item of apparel.
it's not like i sit around all day thinking about troy, it's that i can't forget him and i can't stop thinking about him in the midst of chaos and just every day life.
i wish i could though.