2004-11-30 - 11:21 p.m.
...tragic tonight
i was obviously meant to love you because now i can't forget you
ever since the first time our eyes met and i pretended i didn't see you
and i cry and pretend the reason is not because i don't know what to do
about you and me and me you and us.
and us.
my dad is tapping on frasier trying to wake him up
and i'm looking at the wall where i'm going to hang atleast 26 canvanses
all of images that remind me of you.
why does everything remind me of you?
a vinyl record painted polyphonic
a white tea kettle with a yellow stripe
the color blue and
the lyrics, "here i go, i scream my lungs out to try to get to you. i can't let go, you're my only one, my only one."
and i can't pretend we have nothing because we have something.
i saw how hurt you looked that time...
and the secret smiles in your eyes when i told you how much you drove me crazy
and you still drive me crazy
and i love you.
i'm dying to tell you i love you but if you were here right now i don't think i'd be able to.
the first movie i remember seeing is the little mermaid.
my grandpa was still alive. i was probably three or four.
he took me.
santa was on the roof throwing candy canes down.
i caught one and lost it in the theatre. i was dissapointed. i remember.
it's not wrong to want to fall in love at three or four.
it's not wrong to watch a disney movie and believe in a one true love.
and then time...
i've never met anyone endlessly hopelessly in love.
i've never met a couple, young or old with undying passion and complete devotion to the other...in real life.
i've never met anyone as giddy as i.
actually, my grandparents were giddy and endlessly hopelessly in love, full of undying passion and devotion to each other. it lasted until the day they died. even though my grandma was strucken with alzheimer's, she still remembered him almost ten years after he died until her death. i was raised by my grandparents.
this could be why i feel the way i do.
i've never been shaken up like this by anybody else in my life.
i would drive the whole night just to see you.
today at the clinic an elderly woman found me in the 400 hall and grabbed my hand.
she asked my name and told me hers was margaret.
she told me my hands were too cold
i told her i had just gotten in from outside.
she held them as they warmed up.
we spoke for a while.
nursing staff and residents (students on graduate training) walked past. she tried to flag them down. i had no clue why.
i told her i needed to get going.
she asked where.
i told her.
she finally caught the attention of one.
"this young girl doesn't have a clue where she's going and she needs help. please help her." she spoke with urgency and desperation.
i found this odd because she was so calm the whole time through though.
i knew where i was going though,
but i really don't. i don't have a clue and i need help. i need someone to help me. i need someone to grab my hand and bring me to the person that can save me.
and i've just realized i need to find out who this lady, margaret, is.
there is no one by her name on the floor she found me on. in a wheelchair. she was gone when i came back to look for her just a few minutes after i left. she couldn't have gone away that fast.
do i entertain hosts of angels?
i just found this odd and amazing at the same time.
"i can't let go, you're my only one.
my only one."
update:
i'm at st. lukes today. working. yes, i did pick up every shift i could to stop thinking of you. i wrote i was going to do it everyday. "i'm going to work all day everyday and i won't have time to think of you." but it's impossible. now i'll just be isolated in a hospital only by myself and the soul that would volunteer to aide me my first day through. empty halls and miles of dead mindspace. i'll only have time to think about you and have you search my mind to infect the areas you haven't yet reached.