Apr. 30, 2005 - 18:31
we'll have a drink or two...
"i need a drink." i aroused to myself sitting upright in the large oak bed. "no, that's how i got myself in this predicament," i thought. "that's how i got myself into this."
i diverted my eyes away from the tv screen where i had been watching alfie. it's a beautiful film, really. very artistic.
"human beings have the longest childhood of any other mammal because of the time it requires us to mature cognitively, and my boy, is it a bitch. i mean, growing up, going through hardships and pains. falling in love, breaking down. learning, thinking, feeling, expressing. it's all very stupendous, but excrutiating at the same time.
i had half a bottle of peppermint snapps yesterday night, and i don't know if that's a lot or not, factoring in that i am a 5'7", one-hundred pound girl. it wasn't that painful. not very. i woke up in his bed by collette, a figment of my dream at that time. a faerie. it is silly to reminice. i was so drunk, i thought my best pal waking me up was a faerie in a dream. she came in alone, to find me in the bed, alone, thankfully clothed.
i had dressed myself after waking around 2 or 3 in the morning to void. i missed his presence beside me, but had heard his voice startle my trance earlier in the morning, he was in the house somewhere, i knew. i wandered, driftingly through the house room by room until i found him, fast asleep as a delicate infant on an air mattress, newly discovered, in the living room. he had asked me earlier that night if i would feel ashamed waking up naked beside him.
i recalled he dismissing himself beside me earlier, untangling my draped body from his side as he dressed and left the room. i rolled to where he had been and sprawled out smiling, "i have the bed to myself now."
i had a pretty accurate portrayal of the evening's events in my head in the morning as collette woke me. we hadn't even known each other's last names as i danced at his side and whispered, "i want to fuck you, ____."
throughout today's continuance and the effect of the licquor, the filmstrip of ____ and the night's events has slowly diminshed into blurs of smiles and odd memories to be regressed or dwelled upon even more.
at times, collette and i found ourselves to be driving exceedingly slowly back to our city, getting lost in conversation, telling each other tales of our separate nights, which were only a wall apart.
retrieving my left shoe awkwardly, drunkenly flung in the living room the night prior, i gently stepped around ____'s body carefully observing his sleepful continance. "sweet angel, i leave you now." no note or kiss good bye.
writing this tale, as a catalyst, allows me to smile. processing it in my mind, i'm in moral failure. although sex is an element made figurable in this story, it is absent. it's more of a where is my heart sort of inquiry, confusion of heart conflict.
i have this friend named Aric. he makes me crazy.
i continue watching alfie, clenching a hello kitty plush given to me earlier in the day from an anonymous friend, and hope jude law's character, alfie, comes to more of a moral conclusion than i am at the current moment if there is any. hoping, atleast,
because i'm one of those sad people that try to find the the answers through other mediums, instead of just living.
